Kerri Potter was proud to say that she was anything but normal, thank you very much. So when she was invited to go to Hogwarts, it was really no surprise at all. She prophesized that the Sorting Hat would put her in Ravenclaw, and purchased the house scarf before even getting on the train.
On her trip to Diagon Alley she discovered it was much smaller and more crowded than she had been led to believe.
She purchased lots of weird wizardy gizmos, and a pink pygmy puff because “oogacoogyooochypinkycuuuuuutttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
After arriving at Hogwarts she attended the Great Feast. The tables were all scraped up and battered.
Paul Hayes, the ghost of the construction manager, explained: ”We’ve gone through some fantastic chemicals to get lacquers off and failed miserably. Put 400 children in there and they’ll strip a table within 10 days. There will be nothing left of it. You know, and they’ll have their names in it. Yeah, they’re pretty good at that. They’re like termites!”
As the Sorting Hat sorted the first years into houses, it began raining flaming spirit oil.
“Curse those tungston wires!” screamed the ghost of Paul. “When they get hot from the flame they aren’t strong enough to support the forces from the motorised rigs, and the candle-shaped tubes filled with spirit oil fly everywhere!”
“I told you we should have used magic” muttered his partner.
After a wonderful dinner of roast hippogriff:
Kerri Potter left the elaborately decorated hall to go to bed.
The next morning Kerri was excited to attend her first spell class. However it turned out to be much more of a challenge than she was anticipating.
“Just say ‘porn before’ in a loud, clear voice” instructed the professor.
“Pardon me?” asked Kerri, puzzled at the strange spell.
“Just say ‘porn before’!” insisted the professor, wishing she had chosen one of the British students.
Kerri looked around at the wide-eyed children staring at her expectantly. Then she noticed the giant wizard chess board laid out in front of her.
And she said: “Pawn B4!”
The pawn magically slid two squares ahead. Her very first spell cast!
Next was potions class, which was taught by the faceless ghost of Professor Snape.
Next was defense against the dark arts, where they practiced their duelling poses. Kerri’s was so unintimidating that she was sent to the headmaster’s office.
The headmaster’s office was shockingly ugly from the outside.
The new headmaster had everything exactly the way Dumbledore left it. In fact he was dressed just like Dumbledore, but very pale and with far fewer wrinkles.
“The defense against the dark arts professor tells me you are not very good at duelling.” scolded the headmaster. “You must practice”.
“Why would I practice?” asked Kerri. “My little brother isn’t even a wizard. All I need is ‘stupify’ to torture him!”
“You cannot use magic outside of the school!” warned the headmaster.
“Of course not. That’s why I’m working on a way to zap him from the school.” replied Kerri. “I think it may involve flu powder.”
“Ah. That’s very clever” admitted the headmaster. “But I’m afraid you’ll never fulfill the prophecy with flu powder.”
An awkward pause filled the room.
“Aren’t you going to ask about the prophecy?” asked the headmaster. “I had to sort through Dumbledore’s eerily green memories to find it!”
Kerri shrugged. “If it’s possible may not fulfill it, then it’s really not much of a prophecy. If it’s a proper prophecy, then I’ll fulfill it whether I try to or not. Either way it discussing it seems like a waste of time.”
The headmaster assigned her a 5 foot parchment on prophecy for being a smartass and sent her on her way.
She headed to the library to do some research on long distance spell casting. For some reason it was full of green hands. Way creepier than the floating books she had seen in the movies.
And so the semester flew by. Kerri discovered more ways to torture her brother from afar then she ever imagined. Soon it was Christmas. She wanted to check out Atlantis, but unfortunately that plan was foiled by some fine print.
So instead she went home with her good friend Baby Weasley. (Mrs Weasley had never really figured out birth control charms, and thus had many children after Ginny. She also ran out of names.)
Mrs Weasley welcomed them from the kitchen. However her usual smile was missing, due to a terrible accident with the self-chopping knives.
On Christmas morning a raven arrived with a mysterious present. Ravens are much smarter than snow owls, and can be trained to deliver the mail in a single day while a snow owl takes months, which is why they are so expensive.
When Kerri opened the gift she discovered it was a super visibility cloak! When you turn it inside out, you are guaranteed to stand out clearly in front of any background! Other than a greenscreen of course. But what kind of wizard spends time in front of green screens?
Mrs. Weasley was concerned about the mysterious package, but Kerri pointed out that she was in Ravenclaw, and nothing interesting ever happens to people in Ravenclaw.
Upon returning to Hogwarts Kerri went to visit Hagrid. She found him in the forest with Aragog. He explained that he found the resurrection stone in the forest. Missing his pet spider, he had soaked it in Unicorn blood until it gained the power to do a proper resurrection.
Kerri pointed out that this was a dangerous thing to have around and turned it in to the headmaster.
After mucking around in the forest with monsters, Kerri realised that there were no showers anywhere in Hogwarts. Presumably most of the students just use hygiene spells, however Kerri really wanted a bath. Fortunately the room of requirement appeared, and when she opened the door it contained another door, which led to the prefect’s bathroom.
The bathroom contained real taps, cast out of real bronze, which were fully functioning and dispensed real coloured water. You would think wizards would use magic for some of this stuff, but almost everything at Hogwarts is actually constructed.
After her bath she headed back to the common room. She was surprised to see that many of the portraits had been replaced with blank green canvases. But this seemed like someone else’s problem, so she headed off to bed.
Late that night she was shaken awake. “Ugg…go away. I’m trying to sleep in a bed that’s only 5’9” long because the wizards that designed this place failed to prophesize that teenagers have growth spurts.”
The pest refused to leave her alone. She opened one eye and discovered it was Hagrid. “What are you doing!?! You’re supposed to be in the Chamber of Secrets fighting the Dark Lord!” he exclaimed. “There have been tons of mysterious occurrences to follow! Have you no curiousity at all?”
“I live in a magic castle! Everything is exciting and mysterious. And it can wait until morning.”
“But the Dark Lord has returned as a ghost!”
“Of course he became a ghost. It is well established that his biggest fear was death, and that those that are afraid death become ghosts. If fear of death makes a ghost, Voldemort should be a super ghost.”
“But he’s trying to get the resurrection stone. Don’t you want to be like Harry Potter and stop him!”
“Name one of Voldemort’s attempts to return that would not have been completely defeated if Harry Potter had just decided to stay in bed that night!”
Finally a Hagrid picked Kerri up and carried her down into the Chamber of Secrets. The door to the chamber of secrets, which turned out to be just a complicated mechanical device, had been easily opened with a can of WD40.
Inside it was clear that Voldemort had given up on magic, and was going for a muggle solution. The table was covered with an army of robotic nasties.
The ghost of Voldemort’s shattered soul was lying on the table, adjusting gears.
Trolls and possessed lion heads were being grown in pots around the room.
And decorating the evil layer was a giant floating headless aunt, a lifeless body, and the famous “might is right” statue.
Then Hagrid revealed that he was not Hagrid at all, but a Deatheater wearing a giant robotic Hagrid head.
“The headmaster hid the stone in the Mirror of Erised again. All you need to do is look into the mirror and I will have the stone again.”
Kerri sighed and looked into the mirror.
“I don’t understand. Where’s the stone? Why is it just showing a giant Ice cream on a waffle?”
In the confusion, Kerri grabbed her wand and yelled “expecto patronus”. In front of her appeared an Irish Deerhound in a suit of LEDs, who ran to get help.
The grown ups that actually knew how to cast spells came in and cleaned up the mess.
For her bravery in defeating the Dark Lord, Kerri was rewarded with a job at the Ministry of Magic and a lovely pink office.
