SPOILER ALERT: I think I have recreated the entire riveting script of the London Bridge Experience historical attraction below, nearly word for word. If you are foolish enough to want to do this attraction for yourself anyway, you will not be surprised. Of course the only thing about the experience that surprised me was that they continually managed to make it even worse as it went along.
Husband Most Wise: How many London Bridges have there been anyway?
Gullible Fool: I don’t know. This London Bridge Experience thing is free with the London Pass, and it’s too late to go anywhere else anyway. Want to try it?
Husband Most Wise: The stupid horror thing with all the bad advertisements?
Gullible Fool: According to the guidebook:
“The London Bridge Experience is a unique and interactive journey through the deep, dark history of London. Travel through time and take a light-hearted look at 2000 years worth of history within London Bridge and the surrounding area. Watch Boudicca fight her battles against the Romans, get twisted up in the fates of traitors and their treachery but beware to keep your head! Be engulfed in the powerful Great London Fire and follow the gruesome and gory tales of Jack the Ripper. Finally, for those who dare, enter the bowels of the Bridge and be terrified, tormented and tricked within The Tombs.”
Gullible Fool: We can do the historical educational presentation and skip the horror attraction.
Fun Fact: The tombs of the London Bridge Experience are supposedly built in an old plague pit, and during construction workers found a skeleton. Whether this was true or just a publicity stunt during construction, it is apparently too terrifying for visitors of London’s scariest tourist attraction, because none of their current advertising material mentions it.
And so we waited in line for half an hour with an army of Chinese Tourists while bad actors in bizarre costumes attempted to terrify us. Finally we were let in down a bizarre walkway, out of which a mechanical bus bursts out like it is going to hit you. This terrified the Chinese tourists clutching their audio wand translators so much that they would not move ahead or let us pass.
When we finally made it through there was a room with a beautiful model of the bridge and signs describing the bridge history. Unfortunately I have no idea what they said, because we were immediately ushered out of this staging area into the next room. I wanted to stay behind and read the signs and sneak in with the next group, but Matt pointed out that they had taken a head count.
The next room was a scene of a burned and pillaged city.
Scary looking woman: “I am Boudica, Queen of the Celts! We have defeated the Romans and will have to destroy the bridge if we want to survive!…AH THE ROMANS! Run! Run! RUN!”
NOTE: Pictures were not allowed inside the London Bridge Experience. Therefore we have substituted images from sources with a substantially higher level of historical accuracy.
Chinese tourists: <Blank stares>
Eventually the wand translators caught up, and our group began trudging slowly toward the next scene. The actress continued to scream “RUN” behind us, as though yelling it louder might make the other 90% of our group speak English.
The next scene was a short, unmemorable jumble, complicated by the confused Chinese tourists. Possibly something about Vikings.
Fun Fact: There is no evidence that Vikings ever destroyed the London Bridge.
Then we “ran” toward an old man standing at the base of the bridge.
Old Man: “You are standing at the base of the great London bridge. This bridge is made of stone with wooden supports. Do you know what the problem with wood is? It burns. But don’t worry, it’s 1666 and London hasn’t had a big fire in ages…”
<Awkward pause>
Old Man: “So the other thing about stone bridges is that they are made by…
<Bridge catches fire>
Old Man (looking awfully relieved for someone who’s business just caught fire): “Oh No! Looks like I spoke too soon! The bridge is burning! Run! Run! RUN!”
The next scene was in a bar.
Bartender: You shouldn’t be here, especially with ladies. Jack the ripper is prowling about. He could be anyone. Even that gentleman over there. He does look nasty….
<Clattering noise>
Bartender: Ah that must be Jack outside now. I’ll get him. Follow me!
Fun Fact: The only connection between Jack the Ripper and the London Bridge is that they were once located in the same city.
The crowd pushed us forward to follow the man who had decided it was a good idea to go out in the dark to follow a noise he believed was caused by Jack the Ripper. Matt and I became separated.
Bossy Lady: Put your hands on the shoulders of the person in front of you. Do not let go under any circumstances.
Gullible Fool: Can I find my husband?
Bossy Lady: No! Hands on shoulders!Walk!
The world’s most morose conga line trudged forward.
Bossy Lady: Now you have made it through the historical part of our exhibit and are ready for the tombs, the scariest attraction in London!
Gullible fool: Wait, that wasn’t the horror attraction!?!
Bossy Lady: Anyone who is pregnant, with a heart condition or epilepsy needs to step aside now. This attraction is the scariest in all of London. You need to keep your hands on the shoulders of the person in front of you at all times. Please try not to punch anyone.
Gullible fool: I need to talk to my husband. I think he might be pregnant!
We were then escorted in the conga line down a flight of stairs to pose in front of a green screen. Because obviously everyone traveled all the way to London because they don’t have green screens at home.
Photographer: Are you alone?
Gullible fool: No, I’m with my husband.
Photographer: Where is he?
Gullible fool: I don’t know, we got separated. He’s back there somewhere.
Photographer: Why don’t you go find him?
Gullible fool: She yells at me whenever I take my hand off of this guy’s shoulders.
Photographer: Well wait here for him.
<5 people later>
Photographer: Isn’t he near you in line?
Gullible fool: If he was near me I would have found him by now!
Photographer: Go find him and bring him up here.
I traveled to the back of the line to find Matt with his hands on the shoulder of a Chinese Tourist.
Gullible fool: I think I’m pregnant. I think you might be pregnant too.
Husband most wise: You dragged me in here, now we’re doing this!
We were then put in a small black crate with a bench and a TV screen, and sat waiting for it to start. But nothing happened. Finally we realized they were just getting our eyes adjusted to the dark. We were left in there for 10 minutes.
Then we headed into “the tombs” in our conga line. Thankfully I was at the front. First we had to avoid some heads hanging down from the ceiling on strings. Then we entered “the squeeze”.
The squeeze is basically two giant air mattresses with a tiny space in between to walk through. It was only a bit tight for me, but Matt had to turn sideways and I’m not sure what they do for larger tourists. The most terrifying thing about it was the thought of how many tourist’s noses had been pressed against the disgusting plastic we were squeezing through.
Then we wandered through a nursery with a doll in a crib and a tape of kids singing “ring around the rosy”.
Next was a kitchen. A poorly lit kitchen with some blood, but other than that a fairly normal kitchen. Nothing interesting happened in the kitchen. And I don’t know anyone that is afraid of kitchens. I’m wondering if they accidentally led us through the lunchroom or something.
Then was the second squeeze (Because once just isn’t enough).
Finally was the Circus, in which a chainsaw wielding clown jumped out.
And then we were back out into the light.
Gullible fool: That was terrible.
Husband most wise: “A look of no shit sherlock” You owe me one.
Gullible fool: You better make it two, that was really, really terrible.
Husband most wise: I am starving. We eat now.
